If You're As Horrified As I Am by the OR Shooting (and all mass shootings) - Here Are Ways to Get You Started on ACTION

Friday, October 2, 2015

I don't want to send my kid to school anymore. I don't.

For about a half second every day, I think - this could be the day my kid's school is shot up. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Maybe if we all didn't send our kids to school for a week - our message would be heard? Maybe if we boycotted schools, daycares and told our college kids to stay home for a week - the clear powerful message, that we ARE DONE. That we've had ENOUGH of this violence, would reach our politicians.

(seriously, if you want to organize a protest, I'm here, and ready). But, if we can't protest, we must be involved. It is our duty, if we are against something, to be involved in the conversation and the action.

I'm posting this because I want any mothers, any parents that feel they need to start taking action against gun violence - to know where to go. To know which resources and groups are really effective in eliciting change. Real change. They all have slightly different methods and strategies - but the main message is clear. They want to make America safer for everyone - especially our kids.

So if you're scrolling through this and think "I don't have time." Simply put your name into a petition. Sign up on the email lists to stay informed. You don't have to be marching in the streets to help with change. Do what you feel compelled to do. Do what you have time to do.

Before you think I want to ban all guns from everyone and everywhere - let me clear my throat for this....I'm about to school you.

Listen up, muthas.

I am for COMPREHENSIVE solutions to the pattern of gun violence in this country. That means - both sides, gun advocates and gun control advocates working together for solutions. Viable solutions, that we can all live with. Everyone needs to come together. Everyone has something valuable to add to the conversation and the discussion. In order for this whole change to work - a majority has to be on board - like gun control advocates AND responsible gun owners.

To deny that there is a problem here, is plain preposterous and ridiculous. It's equally absurd to do absolutely nothing about this very clear, and present problem.

Inaction will not create the change. Inaction is agreeing with status quao. Doing nothing is not an option anymore. Because so far, doing nothing, has got us nowhere but mourning more precious lives.

How many more lives are you willing to pay for this country's "right to bear arms?"

I'll share an excerpt from an article I wrote about my own experience with guns.

"By not making any changes, and not coming together and brainstorming viable solutions to the problem of gun violence we are saying that the mass shootings in Newtown, the shootings in Charleston, and Louisiana, the deadly shooting of a young reporter and photojournalist and [those those latest victims in Oregon] - are the price we pay for our 2nd Amendment right, as it stands. We’re willing to pay the price of those lives, just so we can bear arms, hug our guns at night in our homes, and carry them around in case we have to save the public from a dangerous shooter on the loose (which by the way – law enforcement officers are the ones that usually take down armed madmen). "

Here are some organizations to get you started on your road to ACTION.

Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America

Everytown for Gun Safety

Americans For Responsible Solutions 

Sandy Hook Promise

Also, there is this great article by a fellow writer, They Are Too Young to Know the Horror of School Shootings. It talks a lot about the common fear that parents have with sending their kids off to school in the wake of so many random shootings.

I've written about gun violence extensively, my most recent article referenced above in the excerpt is,
 I Was Both Saved and Scarred by Guns.

How to Suck at Team Snacks

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

We all know it's not the game that matters, it's the snacks afterwards.

The snacks are the GAME CHANGERS.

Ugh, the annoyance that is team SNAAAAACCCCKKKSS. Can you hear my nasaly New York accent come out when I say the long "A" in  SNAAAAAAaaaaaaAAcks??

The snack thing, is insanity.

There is more chatter and discussion via e-mail and in person over the damn snacks, then there is about the kids' skills and rules of the game.

First, there's the issue of allergies. If your kid has an allergy - you better speak up so everyone can read food labels for yo ass. No offense. I'll read a food label for ya - I will. But, I'd like you better if you GIVE ME SNACK SUGGESTIONS ALLERGY MOM. Seriously, it saves a lot of time. I don't want your kid to die. But, I also don't want him to eat his same, sad snack he always eats with you at home. You know, the one you have to bring in your purse as back up all of the time.

Then there's the pressure to provide a healthy snack. Which is good. Cuz, seriously, what adult eats a cupcake after a nice long run? No one. So we shouldn't be letting our kids eat that crap after a game either.

Plus, help out the parent with the obese kid, will ya? They probably put their kid in the sport to burn off some calories (and have fun), so don't send them the message that it's okay to eat candy bars and Gatorade after a game. It's not. We all know that. Cupcakes belong at birthday parties.

But then, you can't be too healthy either. Cuz you'll be lame. And no one will want to eat your snack.

My go-to snack isn't the healthiest, most nutrient-packed snack. But, I totally stand by a snack that doesn't have loads of fake ingredients - and has some protein and essential nutrients to refuel the body.

I've been doing the snack circuit for awhile. I've seen some pretty shitty ones. If you bring some of the ones listed below - I guarantee you'll get side-eye from me and snacklisted. That's right. I'll snacklist your ass. You'll be banned from bringing your bags of Doritos forever. Actually - I have no such authority - so I'll probably just talk behind your back and write about you here.

Here's How to Suck at Team Snacks:

1. Fresh fruit. And only fresh fruit. Oh, for fucks sake! Seriously?! I know you are healthy. I know your family is healthy. I know we're all supposed to be on this healthy train together. However, fresh fruit or vegetables without some type of other "fun" treat in tandem, is fucked up. Kids look forward to after-game snacks. I'm sure they got a bunch of grapes before they left their own, very healthy house.

I'm cool if you wanna do like a banana and some pretzels. Or an apple and some Annie's Cheddar Bunnies. But fresh fruit only, LAME.

2. Chips and cookies. Parents -please, please, please have some regard for the rest of us. A) chips and cookies are completely empty calories. We gotta run errands today after the game - you think those shit calories are going to last through a Target run? No, no they're not. I'll be buying another snack in an hour. And my kids will be cranky as fuck when they come down from that sugar high you gave them.

B) Clearly, you've heard of the whole healthy food movement. You'd have to be living under a soundproof rock to not hear about it. Chips and cookies after exercising - is counterproductive. Kids don't fuel up on that crap. So save your Doritos and Ho-Ho's for another day - a day at your own damn house.

3. "Fruit" Snacks. They are sticky, sugary gobs. They are glorified candy. There are some brands that do an okay job with the whole "fruit" snack product. But mostly, "fruit" snacks suck - cuz they're not real fruit. They contain like a molecule of real fruit. And again, my kids will be hungry in like 20 minutes after eating these sugar cubes.

4. Granola Bars. Most granola bars are like candy bars nowadays. I beg of you - if you go the granola bar route - at least choose one that has some nutritional value. Maybe like heavy on the real granola, and light on the chocolate drizzles?

5. Not bringing extras for hungry siblings. If you don't think ahead about bringing some extra snacks for siblings - you're an asshole. Notice - I didn't say extra snacks for parents. Parents shouldn't be gettin' in on the snack action. For gawd sakes. But, c'mon...for the siblings that have to endure watching a game they don't give a fuck about? They deserve a damn snack.

Got any winning post-game snack combos? Thoughts on the insanity that is snack culture?

Share in the comments section below.

Or tell me on my Facebook page, or TWEET me.

Snuffing my Kid's Snark, with Snark

Monday, September 21, 2015

I'm raising a snarky little bitch.

This shouldn't be surprising to anyone since my second language is snark (Profanity is my first language).

Inevitably, when you live your life as a snark, and as a snarky mom - you do indeed raise, a snarky child.

This isn't rocket science folks.

But I'm still pissed.

Last week was filled with a full on snark-fest. My daughter would make remarks like....

"Mom, are you EVER going to clean my soccer shin guards?"

"Mom, we need bananas and apples, you should probably try to go to the grocery store at some point. Duh."

She's 5. Fucking 5. I'm dealing with this shit from a 5-year old.

There were like a bazillion snide comments before these - all of which, I yelled at her for.
But, she kept being a bitch. Yup, I just called my daughter a bitch.

If she was going to continue her abrasive rhetoric - I was going to resort to other tactics.
Kill sarcasm, with sarcasm.
I did what any other respectable mother would do in this heinous situation - I gave it back to her. Using the 'ol do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.

I replied, "Are you EVER going to be able to color in the lines perfectly?"

"Are you EVER going to be able to write your name perfectly?"

"I see toothpaste bugs in the sink, are you able to brush your teeth like a big girl, or only like a baby?"

"How does it make you feel when I say these things back to you? It hurts your feelings doesn't it?"

She nodded silently.

There hasn't been a snarky comment since Saturday. It's now Monday.

I'll take my bow now parents.

Thank you, thank you. 

Feels like the gawd damn Academy Awards of Asshole Parents up in here! Your support is truly what keeps me going. I graciously accept this award.

Listen, I know kids copy communication styles. They copy words. They copy behaviors and mannerisms. You can't get shit past these sponges.

And a million parenting "experts" and pediatricians from the American Whatever Whatever Association would probably tell me that the most effective way to stop the snarky comments, is to model less snarkiness myself.

I beg to differ.

My younger daughter was a biter. The child was a gawd damn vampire. She was out for blood, I swear. She needed to be stopped.

I understand some babies and toddlers become biters for no apparent reason. And seeing as there is no real effective way to punish a toddler (seriously, if you know of actual, real life strategies - hook a mutha up) - I gave it back to her. I bit my 2-year old daughter one day after she bit my older daughter for the upteenth time.

Before you call DSS on me, just know, the bite did not break the skin. There were no lasting marks or blood. My intention was not to scare her (although I probably did freak her out). My intention was to create empathy. I wanted her to feel, what the rest of her victims felt. Pain.

So I could blame myself for my daughter's snarkiness. Which I do. And I do plan to limit my snotty and patronizing trash talking ways. I don't want to talk to her like a condescending dickhead. I fully admit to using condescending tones and know-it-all rhetoric even when speaking to adults. I'm an INTJ, after all, I do know everything ;) but a Meyers Briggs interpretation of my personality is for another day.

I totally cop to my own cockiness. I'm not trying to getting out of being more self-aware around my kids. I don't want to change who I am. But, I can turn down the snarky, if you don't like me, la-dee-da attitude a tad.

Instead of "communicating" and employing the typical "nice" tactics - I say, get creative.

Create empathy.

So it's not nice to throw snarkiness back in my 5-year old daughter's face, or bite my biter-child - but no one said creating empathy is nice. Creating empathy in adults and children, is usually quite an emotional and painful process.

But, the only way to change behaviors in adults and children is to create empathy. Make them feel what you feel. Be it through words, through art or through action. Create and conjure up feelings in people, make them feel your icky or hurt feelings. Share these emotions - no matter how painful. Because, chances are, doing so will make them feel differently. It will profoundly change them - and their tune, forever.

I think being a total bitch back to my witch of a daughter actually worked. Especially when I explained, Now, Mommy's basically going to be a huge bitch to you to get you to see the error of your ways.

For the love of gawd, please tell me if you are also breeding a total bitch. And is it biting you in the ass now?

Share in the comments section below.

Or tell me on my Facebook page, or TWEET me.

4-Year Old Wants to Go Green....Green Hair That Is

Monday, September 14, 2015

"Mama, can I have green hair for picture day?" my 4-year old says in her sing-songy voice.

Normally, you'd expect this question from a tween, or a teenager.

"Um, maybe like a braid or something would be good?" I say.

"Okay, mama. But, I really wanna be pretty like you."

Officially, my heart melted.

Three reasons -

A. She wants to be like me. (I currently have green hair).

B. She thinks her mom (me) is beautiful.

C. She thinks her mom (me) with green hair is beautiful.

I'm elated on all accounts.

Picture day in preschool is indeed loooooomminnggg.

The teachers have been talking about it, emailing about, and even sticking stickers to our children's clothes that read PICTURE DAY IS TOMORROW. WEAR BRIGHT COLORS. WEAR YOUR SMILE.

We get the picture, it's picture day. Mmmmkayy?

Before the green hair request - I really hadn't planned on making my daughter look different than any other day. I didn't plan on a dress.

I wasn't gonna style her hair special. Who's got time for all that? For real.

I was not about to wake up early on a school morning to do anything that involved primping. I gotta primp my own damn self (this involves swiping a deodorant stick across my stubbly pits).

It's a miracle we get out of the house on time most mornings.

Picture day would indeed look like any other day for my daughter - cotton Gap play clothes, a messy ponytail, stained socks and sneakers.

However, when my daughter asked for green tresses - I totally toyed with the idea of dying her hair. I mean, the sticker said, WEAR BRIGHT COLORS, right? Give her the green light?

We still have the green Halloween hair spray paint from last year in the closet. That would work, but it stains EVERYTHING.

Okay, option 2 -

I have like copious jars of Manic Panic sitting in my bathroom that I could take and just slightly dip her ends.

Did I mention my daughter is 4-years old?

Yes, dear readers, I know it's a bit cuckoo to consider coloring my 4-year old daughter's hair ANY color, let alone "crazy", I mean, vivid colors.

I get it.

But when your mini-me shows desire to be you - and wants to copy you, especially with something so stylistically unconventional - you will swoon.

See, it's one thing for my daughter to compliment me on my eyes or my blingy rings. But, it's even better when she says, "Mama I wike your wips!" And my lips are bright red.

Or "Mama, I wike your nails." And my nails are blue or black.

Or "Mama I wike your hearts," and she's pointing to my tattoo on my wrist.

In the suburban town where I live - these types of unconventional styles are pretty few and far between. It's kind of a capris/yoga pants, flip flops and vanilla anything kinda town. The only real "different" person she sees around here, is me - her own mother. And like that other mom with purple hair and piercings at library storytime last week.

So because my kid likes bright red lipstick, black nails and tattoos- does this mean I'll consider giving into those requests as well? Absofuckinlutely.

Okay, maybe no lipstick to school. We'll save that for the weekends if she wants to experiment.

If I find time, I'd love to paint her nails black or blue.

And duh, fake tattoos only.

I come from a long line of creatively accepting muthas. My own mother let me go to school with multi-colored pipe-cleaners in my hair (don't ask), a jewel in the middle of my forehead (Gwen Stefani was my inspiration) and a spiky dog collar around my neck.

It was the fullest expression of myself at the time. My mom let me go for it 100% (sans desired piercings in tongue and lip).

Truthfully, if it weren't for scary language in my daughter's school handbook, I would totally color her hair and not think twice about it.

I'm choosing to pick my battles with these schools my kids attend. I don't like everything they mandate. I feel most of it is bogus, and stifles kid's creativity. Let me say that again, most US standard, public schools educate our children OUT of creativity.

But, I feel strongly that I have to reward my 4-year old daughter somehow for thinking about beauty in unconventional terms. Green hair could be just the start of her acceptance towards all different types of standards of beauty - different body types, different skin colors, different textures of hair, etc.

I will reward her this weekend, after picture day. With green hair chalk, and a camera. Chill out, green hair chalk washes out.

We'll gussy her up with green hair, and whatever the hell she wants - and take shameless selfies. All in the name of redefining beauty.

Do your kids exhibit unconventional styles? Would you let your kid color their hair a "crazy" color?

Share in the comments section below.

Or tell me on my Facebook page, or TWEET me.

My Kid's Death Phase - Talking About Death to my 5-Year Old

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

It's a morbid one, I know.

I think my child is going through a death phase. She's been at it for a year. First, it was a few simple questions: how do people die? Does everyone have to die? What happens when you die? Do we go to heaven?

That was last year. The morbid curiosity has now morphed into: Is sleeping like dying? How can I stop dying? Will you and daddy die? Will you die before me?

Each time, I get really uncomfortable. And deep down, I get really emotional. I feel the tears swelling up behind my eyeballs. But, I hold them back. I don't want to freak her the fuck out.

Like I basically want to bawl every time she goes all ghoulish on me. I hate imagining a life without each other - as I imagine, she hates the thought too.

How can I have a productive conversation about death with my kids, if I haven't even come to grips with death? If I have fears? If death makes me feel icky? 

My kids have never been to a funeral. They have not lost a close family member. We don't have pets. And I'm not sure they've experienced an animal dying (except that one time in Morocco when the butcher murdered a chicken in the middle of the souk by cutting off its wings first.) I mean, I imagine that was a bit traumatizing for my 4 and 5-year old girls).

So far, they've only heard of older relatives dying.

Just recently, my Great Aunt Dorothy (RIP) died this year, and we told the kids about it. They met her a handful of times, and just recently visited her before she passed. We had a good time with Aunt Dorothy - eating strawberry ice cream shakes and lollipops and playing crossword puzzles (which Great Aunt Dorothy totally beat us on - her lexicon was very much intact even at her old age). So when she died, I made it a point to remind my kids about all of the wonderful things we did with Aunt Dorothy on our last visit.  

My kids know that their great grandfather, great uncle and great-great grandmother died before they were born. My family has a habit of talking about dead family members all of the time. It's not in a somber way. We just really miss them and like to celebrate them, by talking about how awesome they were...all the time.

There are two challenges working against us however.

1) I'm dealing with young children. So talking about death needs to be on a level that will not freak them the fuck out. Or be too complex.

2) Me and my husband aren't religious.

I'd like to address the first challenge. I got great ideas from Ask the Mortician: The Order of the Good Death. Wait - let me stop you there. GO TO HER WEBSITE. The woman in the YouTube videos IS FUCKING AWESOME. YOU WILL LOVE HER. The link above is a quick clip she recorded right after the Newtown shootings. She describes how to talk to your kid about death.

And NO, I don't get any money for saying she's awesome. I'm saying it for free - so you know it's good.

The clip is short, and is only the tip of the death iceberg. But, you get the gist. And if you're anything like me, what she says - will be life-changing.

For gawd sakes -the video host of the Ask the Mortician videos has made me happily embrace my own will and wishes for death, in a non-emotional (kinda fun) way. It sounds sick, but I swear it's not. 

Anyway, I recently heard another member of the Ask the Mortician's group on a parenting podcast. I'm sharing her ideas here, because they made so much sense. Explain death to your child in terms they can understand. Duh. Okay, let me explain. Use something they've experienced before. For example, a flower. First, it's a bud, it's a baby. Then the flower grows really big - enjoying the sun, the wind and the water. And it stays like that for awhile. Then, it starts to wilt. It gets smaller. Its petals fall off (like how older people lose their hair). It dies, then it becomes the earth again (buried), or is carried away in the wind (cremation), goes to the ocean (cremation), or goes to be studied by scientists (donating your body to a body farm).

The second thing I learned is how to tackle the non-religious explanation for kids. It's pretty simple. If you don't know what the answer is to the death questions. Don't answer them. Kids don't need answers all of the time. Just hug them super tight, and be honest. Say, I don't know.  Of course, if you have your own non-religious theories about death - then go ahead, and explain them. But if you don't know - just say it to your kid. Sometimes, all the kid wants to do is just ask WHY. WHY? WHY? WHY? Like all of the fucking time, WHY? Why do kids do this? I have no idea. I don't know. See. There. Boom. 

But, once you tell them you don't know, make sure they feel secure. Feel loved. Hug them (if they'll let you) a lot.

I don't plan on broaching the subject with my kid. But, if she brings it up - I got a killer response. Muuhahahaaaaa!! (I so shoulda saved this post for Halloween). I promise I'm not goth, although I did go through a phase in middle school.....

Do you have a child that's obsessed with death? Are they asking questions? How are you handling it?

Share in the comments section below.

Or tell me on my Facebook page, or TWEET me.

I Rawther Fancy F%#*able Furniture Stores: 6 Ways IKEA Can Improve Your Love Life

Monday, August 31, 2015

There’s no doubt, IKEA is traumatizing to the masses.  The maze is a twisty, trippy, turny hell – that makes you feel like Alice in Ikea-Land.  All of the pretty products look so good.  You touch.  Aw hell, now - you ain’t EVER gettin’ out. 

P.S: Block off 8 hours in your Google calendar for assembly.

The Swede store is indeed high-stress.

I cried while 9-months pregnant in the Bedding section.  I couldn’t find the “shortcut” to the bathroom.  The home hodgepodge got the best of my hormones…and my bladder.

My sobs quickly turned to smiles when at the end of the maze – my husband presented me with the sweetest, most savory Swedish meatballs and soft ice cream a pregnant girl could ever ask for. 

My relationship with the Swede store, is well, um, it’s complicated.  It’s a love-hate relationship. 

After my pregnant breakdown, I broke up with Ikea for good. I swore off those Swedish meatballs FOREVER!

Until this weekend. 

I favor cheap home organization solutions, what can I say? I’m such a sucker.

I spied the child care center upon entering.  I did a double take.  How did I not notice this before? The sign read “Smartland.”  Sayyyyyy whhhaaaaaa??!!

I walked up to the chipper teenager, “Okay, so how much for two?”

She replied, “It’s free.  But there’s a wait.”

“Ummm, hi wuuuuurrdddd, .. Free?”

She giggled, “Yes, it’s free – we’ll have a spot for your kids in about 5 minutes.”

I can handle five minutes for anything that’s free.

In the time it took to fill out the minimal paperwork my girls were summoned into Smartland.
They waved enthusiastically, “Bye MOM!”

I was all like, “SAYONARA SISTERS!  We’ll see you soon!”

I wink to my husband, then scream-mouth to him (you know like, when your face is screaming, but no words are actually coming out) holy fuck, is this for real??!!

We high-five like total dorks, and run for the escalator in our elation.  We busted some embarrassing dance moves (I think there was a moonwalk) and a geeky politician thumbs up.

We were cheesin’ like kids in a candy store….except, well, we’re in a furniture store.

As we stood on the moving stairs I cried with my arms outstretched in the air, “Holy hell! Mommy and Daddy are FREE!  It’s FREE! I LOVE YOU IKEA!!!!”

Air kisses followed.

As we enter the maze, my husband grabs my ass.  Apparently, all this free-childcare and furniture is making him feel frisky.  I wink. If he’s already gettin’ off on complimentary kiddie care – the price tags will make him cum!  I’m so getting whatever I want to day, OoooOOooo like that cute wood fruit bowl!

Shit, alright, alright, home storage solutions.  Stay the course.

Checkout was pain-free.  My kids came back in one piece.  I’m back in love with Ikea! 
The furniture store is like foreplay.  I feel a threesome coming on.

Me, my husband and IKEA.

Screw furniture shopping.  I’m back in bed with Ikea – and cuuummminnngg back (haha, cum, get it? Ugh I’m such a filthy whore) for more day dates with my main man. Here's why you should day-date at IKEA.

1. Free child-care.  I know it’s only 45 minutes.  But it’s FREEEEEEEEE muthas!  And hi, I am TOTALLY in favor of limiting date time with my own damn husband to 45 minutes.  What if he does his usual annoying things – like scratch his balls, fart and make weird faces?  Um, yeah, 45 minutes will do ‘er.

2.You don’t have to be nervous about leaving your kids with the new babysitter.  They’re right there.  As in, the same dang building! Helicopter parents (me included) rejoice!

3. Swedish meatballs and cinnamon buns – I don’t know about you, but I’m already wet, and creaming in my panties over those cinnamon buns.

4. It’s cheap.  The whole kit and caboodle – costs next to nothing.

5. At some locations, alcohol is served.  YES, BOOZE.  Now, that makes a real date.

6.  I’m just gonna throw this one out there.  Shag time in the parking lot?  Let’s just say, I’ve never seen a small IKEA parking lot.  The Swedes build parking for the masses.  So, forget that I may be proposing something completely illegal – but for real, like you’ve never done it in a freaky place before?  You gotta get in while you can honey! Ya heard me?!  You minivan-owning folks are so lucky.  But, yes go snag some sex in the parking lot – just park far away from everyone else.

So next time we make a “family” trip to the Swede Store, I’m gonna shave my legs, blow dry my hair and slip on my sexiest pants that hug my ass just right cuz Mama’s got a date!

Anyone have an IKEA horror (or whore story)?

Share in the comments section below.

Or tell me on my Facebook page, or TWEET me.

This One Goes Out to (Childfree) Besties Everywhere

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

She goes to coffee dates with me - and my kids.  Which makes her some sort of saint.

She orders beautiful lattes with the most intricate designs - I ain't got time for froo froo.  Coffee goals - GET 'ER DONE.

I order two chocolate milks with a coffee (2 extra shots of espresso please).

The differences in our lives - surface subtly in our coffee orders.

She’s my kid’s auntie.  Not ANT-EY. AAaauuuuunnntie.  There’s a difference.

She showers them with gifts for every occasion (and non-occasions).  Whereas I don’t even let myself be talked into the $1 aisles at Target.

She buys them the best clothes – because she doesn’t think it’s absurd to spend more than $10 on items like - Guess jean baby shorts, or DKNY rhinestone shirts, or a super-hero pink velvety cape from the coolest, bookstore in town.

Whereas I opt for “play” inspired separates that can be thrown away if the mud stains don’t come out, or a hole pops up or someone poops their very “playful” pants.

She let’s them eat three bowls of Cheerios for breakfast.  I would’ve shut it down at two bowls. Probably one.

She let’s them watch movies in the morning.  And in the afternoon.  And at night – as long as they ask nicely.  Whereas I monitor screen time like a prison warden. Moms, I know you mentally tally the minutes spent in front of the tube every single day.

She lets them play with her very expensive smart phone.  Mine is on lock. And has an ugly Otter Box.

She gives into their requests to change princess dress up clothes fifty-million friggin' times.  I pretend to not know where the princess dress up clothes are. Sometimes I tell the kids the dress up clothes have disappeared.

She lets them skip naps.  And the kids think she's an angel sent from heaven because of it.  Whereas, First Commandment of Motherhood: 1. Thou shall not skip naptime or all hell will break lose.

She listens to my kids’ deepest secrets, reassuring them that she’ll never say a word to anyone.  And then she dutifully (and rightfully) tells mommy and daddy.

She checks in when my kids are sick. 

She takes pictures of them, when my hands are too full of kids, snacks and baby wipes to hold a camera.

She forces me to get out of the house, when I so desperately need to.

It’s true, she doesn’t have children.   

I understand that a great deal of Aunties want to be moms.  And would do anything to clean up kid crap and never sleep again.  

But, there are also Aunties that don’t ever want kids.

Either way, these childfree besties choose to be by our sides.  To stand by our kids at this moment in their lives.

Even if she doesn’t fancy sharing her time with snot-nosed, selfish monsters.  Hell, I DON'T LOVE SHARING MY TIME WITH THESE FOOLS!

Even if she doesn't love walking into germ cesspools AKA my house.

Even if she doesn't love listening to me whine about how I worry 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 

Or if she can't relate when I talk about how exhausted I am from a night of teething cries or colic.
Or how I'm tired for six solid months with a newborn in the house.  Seriously, six months solid - NO SLEEP.

She doesn't know what it's like to clean a house, and have it destroyed in five minutes.

She can't feel the constant heart ache that plagues all parents. As a parent your heart is always aching for good and bad reasons.

She doesn’t know what it’s like to have someone interrupt her when she’s peeing, pooping, talking on the phone, showering and working.  She doesn’t know how annoying it is when kids interrupt Facebook time. Precious Facebook time! 

She doesn’t know what it’s like to have her body, her house, her job, her (possible) marriage, actually ALL of her relationships hijacked by tiny, needy human beings.

She may not know what these things feel like.  But, she chooses to care about it, because you care about it, mama.

Your childfree bestie still chooses to be your friend.  She chooses to understand and sympathize with your situation, even if she can’t totally empathize.  Even if she never wants to relate, or so painfully wishes she could relate.

She makes an effort.  She makes a damn effort with you.  She makes a damn effort with your kids.

And while it's hard sometimes to carve time out for her, .....shit, for your damn self, you should try. Even if you have to cancel a couple of times because your kid got sick, or the babysitter cancelled. Try, try again. Don't try because you're afraid that she'll get sick of being there for you one day.  Try, because she won't get sick of it.  She'll always be there for you.  As you should for her, because (childfree) besties are the best.

Anyone mamas have a childfree bestie?  What is your friendship like?  Why do you love her?

Share in the comments section below.

Or tell me on my Facebook page, or TWEET me.
Proudly designed by Mlekoshi pixel perfect web designs