For example, we don't want to tell Susie to punch Johnny in the fuckin' mouth if he makes fun of her one more time. We want to tell Susie, to stay away from Johnny and make new friends.
We don't want to tell our daughter she's not the greatest daughter in the world, right?
Instead, we tell her this.....
Here are some of my favorite mommy translations - that come straight from my own house.
“I’ll be there in one minute.” = I really mean 2 hours. Because that’s how long it will take me to do all the things that keep this house afloat. Like, the following: unload the dishwasher, answer a text, take the clothes out of the dryer, check my e-mail, fold the clothes, check Facebook, prep for tonight’s dinner, Tweet something witty, finish my work on the computer, start cooking dinner and Instagram my dinner. So you might as well watch some Dora. She’s a good babysitter for times like these.
“I’ll play with you after I finish cleaning up the dishes.” = I hate playing. I’m always the one that has to come up with storylines and plot twists. So while you think I’m cleaning the dishes, I’m really downing glasses of wine at the sink. I’m aiming for a buzz, because I knoooowwwww you’re going to ask me to play Barbies. And I really hate Barbies. If I’m buzzed enough, I’ll play Barbies. If I get too sloppy at the kitchen sink, we’ll have an impromptu dance party in the living room. Deal?
“Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, that’s neat. Uh-huh, very cool.” = I’m not listening to you because whatever is on my iPhone right now is infinitely more interesting to my adult brain. PS I’m sorry I don’t listen all of the time.
“We have to stop at the grocery store real quick.” = It could be anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. If it’s Target, plan on an hour minimum.
“Craft time!” = Here’s your Princess coloring book and some crayons. Oh wait, what? You thought I was gonna break out the paint, glue and scissors? Oh no, honey – that must be craft time at someone else’s house you’re thinking of.
"If you don't behave, we're leaving!" = Damn right we're fuckin' leaving. You think I'm like these other chump moms out here that will threaten without following through. Guurrlll, have we met? Make no mistake, you act a fool at this kiddie birthday party - WE. ARE. DONE. Get ready to be bored brat. PEACE OUT!
“We’re almost there.” = like 2 hours away. It’s all relative. We drive 15 hours total to see your grandparents. JUST HANG ON PLLEEAAAASSEEEEE...I AM BEGGING YOU TO JUST KEEP IT TO-FUCKING-GETHER FOR TWO MORE MEASELY HOURS!!!!!
“You can color your hair any color you want when you get older.” = Like when you’re old enough to get a job. And pay for hair color.
“You can marry a girl, boy or no one.” = Don’t marry anyone. EEEENNNNN---EEEEEEEE----WOOOOOONNN. Got it.
“You don’t have to have kids when you grow up.” = Don’t have kids. Don’t do the act that causes kids to come out. Don’t think about the act that causes kids to come out. Don’t let a kid come out.
“Mommy loves you even when she’s angry.” = I don’t love anyone when I’m angry. That’s a total lie. You just spilled chocolate milk all over my Italian leather couch. I’ll love you though, if you be a doll and offer up your savings account to pay for the new couch that I’ll have to buy when this one smells like sour milk in a week….because milk, literally, got in EVERY. SINGLE. CREVICE.
“Spa day!” = I’ll paint your nails with glittery, gaudy, hot pink nail polish, if you rub my feet, and my neck, and my head. It’s called the barter system. It’s used in spas all over the world.
“We’re going to the gym today.” = I'm hittin' up the treadmills. You're hittin' up the gym daycare. And you'll be in there for the maximum amount of time the facility allows – 2 hours. I need endorphins and to be away from children. You need entertainment. It's a win-win.
“You need to get new shoes, your feet are growing.” = We’re going shoe shopping, but we’ll be going to the women’s section of the store first.
“I’m gonna give you a little trim.” = Four inches. Blunt cut. I never said I was a hair stylist. But you are a pain in the ass to take to a hair salon, and even kid’s haircuts are getting expensive. So, there you have it, a home haircut.
“Mommy has a boo boo in her woo hoo.” = I’m on my period. Back off leeettllleee brats. And try not to announce that "Mommy has red!" to the entire public bathroom while you’re in a bathroom stall with me.
“I’ll tell Santa you want that toy for Christmas.” = You ain’t gettin’ it. Probably Ever. A) You’ll forget about this toy in 5 seconds b) Christmas is like 9 months away c) there will be new Christmas lists, revised and edited a thousand times before we even get to summer. So, just no. No.
“Santa is real.” = until your 10th birthday. That’s when I pull the plug on Santa, Easter bunny, tooth fairy.
“You can have a treat, after your dinner” = Eat your damn vegetables. And the treat is….left over Halloween candy. Enjoy.
“Mommy has a boo boo on her belly” = C-section, from when doctors cut and gut me, sliced and diced me - just so you could come out into this world and suck the life out of me.
“You are so good at helping mommy clean!” = Here’s the scrub brush, the all-natural, organic green, safe-for-small-human-beings-cleaning products. Get to work on that bath tub. And make it shine. Little one – you got baseboards.
“Mommy has to go grocery shopping, you stay with daddy.” = I’m actually getting coffee first. I will savor my double shot espresso latte with extra foam as if it’s my last morsel of joy. After an hour of coffee house music and silence, I will be mentally capable of handling the grocery store and all of the idiots in those cramped aisles. And don’t worry mommy will remember to get those gross gummy princess treats you looovveeee that probably have RED dye whatever in it, organic-shmorganic bananas, milk for days, Cheerios and the all important 10-ounce tub of Nutella. Then I will take the long way home, blasting 90’s hip hop. I’ll sing like I’m Salt-N-Peppa all the way. Complete with my ‘hood neck rollin’ and finga waggin’ – ya hurd me, muthas?
“Sorry, it’s an adult party, you can’t come.” = There will be language you should never hear. Booze out the bazookas, and possible marijuana. I’ll have a hideous hangover tomorrow when you wake up – so plan on getting your own damn Cheerios tomorrow morning. Thank ya very much.
“Mommy and Daddy are going for date night.” = we got a babysitter for you. And we’re going to attempt to eat a normal, adult meal at a place other than McDonald’s. Don’t wait up – I’m sure we’ll be crazy animals and get home at 10 o’clock!
“Stop waking Mommy up every night.” = You’re lying about having bad dreams. You’re BSing me about your “hurting” knee. If you even attempt to tip toe in my room and so much as breathe in my direction next to my bed, I will make you take baths three times a day and order you to eat brussel sprouts and kale forever!!! Muuuuaaaahhahahahaha
"Shots don't hurt" = They hurt. A lot. You wiiiillll lose your shit and scream. But apparently, this world finds it necessary that we be injected with every possible vaccine on the planet. I don't like it either. I get anxiety before we even step foot in to the pediatrician's office. Seeing you get a shot, sometimes makes me cry. Especially when you get like four in a row. Doctors are assholes. The world is cruel. Do you want a sticker?
“You’re the greatest gift in the whole world, Mommy’s so lucky to have you.” = Wine and coffee are the greatest gifts in the whole world, I’m certain of it. But the fact that you give good cuddles and say cute shit from time to time – makes you infinitely awesome.
What mommy language do you speak to your kids? What are some of the things you say?
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